I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
