the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
