I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
