dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize