At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Thank you for not boning my boss.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
