I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
