At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I stole a fireplace last night.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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