I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
