For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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