You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
