I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
