You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
