i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize