Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
