Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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