i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
do nipples grow back?
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