I hate your face
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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