Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
