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Fuck
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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