Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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