Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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