Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
