How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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