There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
