I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
