Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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