Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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