Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
