how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
