I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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