She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
