based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize