My friends, they love my intelligence
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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