I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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