Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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