dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Randomize
