i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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