This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Randomize
