I am puke
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
