If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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