just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
