Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
