omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
