forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
How's work?
Spinning.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
