omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize
