Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
