i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Drake has all the answers
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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