The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
