i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize