I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
My feet surprised me
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