Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
