just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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