Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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