just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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