Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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