I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I will pee on everything he values.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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