I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
