just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize