I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just gift wrapped bread.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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